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Monday, 5 October 2015

Why Guys Piss on the Seat

Toilets. The things with those annoying seats that are always down.  Bet you girls are wondering just how guys can miss the toilet so frequently and hit the damn seat.

There are 3 main causes for accidentally pissing on the seat (aside from being drunk):

A) Dick Scrunched Up
My dick gets all scrunched up at the head in such a way that the head is kind of sticking to the rest of the skin.  Most girls are not familiar with this because you normally see him standing at full attention but the truth is, he can be a lazy dickhead sometimes.  He kinda turtles a little and then the skin is all warm and cozy and so he has a little nap and next thing he knows, he's being woken up suddenly and he still needs to stretch and open his eye.
expert-mode-challenge-accepted
But before that can happen, a big gush of piss his flooding through him and this can have 2 effect.
1) the skin sticks to the head and holds tight...and the customary angle that I am used to is now off by a RANDOM amount -- from 5° to about 45°. Now that is a real problem to try and correct for instantly without splashing the seat at all.
2) the pressure of the piss flooding through him straightens him out so he's shooting straight...but for about 0.5 seconds he's spitting out in an unpredictable spiral.

Solution: Wake him up and give him a quick tug before firing to make sure he's shooting straight.

B) Shake off Fail

toilet_seat
Pissing on the seat is not looking so bad now, is it?
This one bugs me cause you perform your duty flawlessly and then stop. But then something goes
very wrong on the 'shake' where either a larger than expected amount comes out when you squeeze --including flexing the PC muscle and so it sprays an extra burst right on the seat (or in the toilet if you are lucky).  Or the squeeze underperforms and dribbles off without enough momentum to clear the closest part of the seat.  This often happens after you have completely stopped peeing and then your dick decides to be a dick and splash that perfectly dry seat with the very last of his power.

Solution: Head directly over the bowl and aim straight down.

 C) The Split Stream
This one is not as common as the other 2 but, after cumming, some of the cum can stick on the tip of your dick, effectively gluing the tip partially closed. This can have disastrous results as everything looks normal and reading to fire but then you start peeing and...

Goddamn! He's spraying 2 streams! Now sometimes this is recoverable as the streams are both within
toilet_seat_pissing
the radius of the toilet. But more often than not, 1 stream is accurate and the other is 25° off to the side --splashing merrily on the seat!  If I correct so the seat sprayer is in the toilet bowl...the 1st stream is now soaking the other side of the seat.

Worst case scenario (and the inspiration for this post): both streams spray off the mark with one shooting 25° to the left and the other shooting high and 40° to the right! Both were so far off the mark that I wasn't even hitting the seat! Both were hitting bathroom tile.

Solution?:   Jump down on the toilet seat, facing the toilet backwards is your only hope! I say jump down for 2 reasons...1) you have to be fast because you're pissing all over the damn floor and 2) on the way down you will hit the toilet seat that you are about to sit on. So it's best not to linger and soak it.

And that, ladies, is why guys piss on the toilet seat.

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