Home for Wayward Sluts: Let Me Drive http://kinkunveiled.blogspot.ca/?zx=8dcd321b700cd6d8

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Let Me Drive

I jokingly explain to people that this is the healthiest way (for me) to have a dysfunctional relationship.

I love to take control of the big things and also the minutiae. My main slave and I have a medium level BDSM relationship, but it's never turned off.  Ever. There's no scene. This is life. I'm always expecting her to perform up to the Platinum Standard that I've trained her. I always has the final say. It isn't equal.

Sometimes that also entails my determining when she can go out, if she can go out, whom she talks to, who she interact with (physically and emotionally), how much she can interact with them--- Those are traditional big red dysfunctional flags. We both realize that.

BUT, We communicate about everything, from big to little. I has reasons and rationale behind every decision and can explain myself.

We don't abuse each other with emotional whims nor do we expect the other person to just coddle to our bad days.
I hold her to a standard of behavior that says:
Be self-aware enough to reasonably predict when things may go wrong in your head. 
If you can't handle something, I expect to know what it is (adequately express yourself), how bad it is (make it quantifiable), and your plan for addressing it or overcoming it (being responsible for yourself).

This means informing me of little emotional things like she's stressed by feelings of inadequacy. Or keeping me up to date on the state of her body, like she's not so comfortable with the idea of anal sex right now because her bowels are loose and she's worried about a potential mess.  She would, of course, never dream of denying me the pleasure of her ass -- but not letting me know I'm about to walk into a potential minefield of explosive diarrhea would be bad for everyone. 
What does this all boil down to?
Being self-aware of your own emotions and mental headpsace makes you intimately accountable for your reactions and perceptions.
I hold her accountable for her emotions, words, and actions. I holds her accountable for her demeanor and attitude.  

And I also holds myself to the same standard. That's what allows this to be a healthy relationship, even if it has so many tell-tale signs of what superficially would be considered a dysfunctional or even abusive relationship.  (I honestly believe that I'd be letting her down if I was not abusive enough.)
This cultivated level of transparency and accountability means that I have the keys to know how and why her head works, not just the end result.

By sharing each piece along the way, recounting all the sign posts and pivotal events, words, and markers with me; I then can retrace for myself how she wound up in the mental space she's in, and either figure out where to head it off in the future so that we aren't constantly falling into the same problems, or retrace the path to see where the best place is to push her further.
And you know what?   She's so brave! Because that's scary. It is.
It's scary to let someone know you that well.
Why is it scary? Because she might disappoint me.
That's really the point here-- learning to embrace your fear.
Fear is just a roadblock on the way to growth.
Self-awareness means knowing what your roadblocks are.
Growth is finding ways to conquer those impasses.
I think so many people shy away from being transparent in their intentions because they will be held accountable for their mistakes.

Or they shy away from being transparent about their fear because they feel it will make them inadequate.

Or they shy away from really dissecting how they feel because they are afraid to face it.
But wouldn't you rather be held accountable in a fashion that allows you to grow?

By hiding in her fear, she's taking away my choice to be involved. Shouldn't it be my choice?
If you want me to drive, you have to give me back the keys.

So learn yourself, your own mental map, so you can share it with your Master.

They, in turn, can use that to both of your advantage.

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